09:10 Sep 16 2019
Times Read: 832
A few hours ago after having a conversation with someone on Fb, I attempted to go to bed. I have to work in a few hours but things are nagging at me.
I have to think exactly how I want to say things, and I am not attacking anyone - this isn't this kind of entry. So if you are looking for some type of drama, I am sorry to disappoint. I am the type of person who tries not to burn bridges completely - you have to royally fuck up big time before I do that. (Images - shit sorry Cartomancer said much the same thing earlier today to me about herself but I have been saying this to several people for a long time). I am still willing to mend bridges with people unless they do something so despicable that I cannot do anything more than to cut ties. Or if they are unwilling to correct the issue with themselves or change the thing that is causing problems. I also try to give them a chance to tell their side of the story unless given several chances, they continue to skip the opportunity, make excuses or change the subject. Then after I can stay silent no more and finally say something they wait several days after that to talk to me, its a case of a day late and a dollar short. But still, if they TRULY make an effort and I can see they are sincere, I will listen to them. If someone lies to me, but comes and tells me the truth, I may be mad for a bit and I may give them Hell, but I will not be as mad or lose my shit as much as I would hearing it from other people. And eventually I will forgive. I don't hold grudges for very long. And I hate to give up on people I consider friends. When I am wrong and proven I am wrong or even if I think I am in the wrong, I tend to apologize for it. It may take me a bit to realize I was an asshole without reason, but when I do, I will admit to it.
One of the reasons I am a certain way about my integrity is because of one certain admin on this site. A person who once I had gotten to know, I have not only told things about myself that I would have never told anyone else ever - with the exception of LadyDarkRayne, I tell her EVERYTHING not only because we are sisters and extremely close, but because I trust her implicitly just like I do this particular administrator. This admin has never steered me wrong, given me advice when I needed it - and I will also say tends to see through bullshit like she has xray vision with a bullshit meter that goes off. She has literally saved my ass more than a few times when I would have went too far and she caught it ahead of time. She has never once in all that time given up on me, or stopped giving advice and has always been straight forward and blunt with me. She has also let me know when I was being lied to or given wrong or bad information and advice and I can honestly say that if I have any questions or problems or anything like that I go directly to her before I go to anyone else, even if I am friends with other admin staff. I know that I can trust her knowledge and that it will be correct. If I think something I may be about to post or journal is against T.O.S. I message her to find out before I say it. When I have spoken to her for anything, because of my trust in her, I have always tried to make sure I had all my ducks in a row, all facts as correct as I knew them to be, and anything that needed proof when I go to her. I have never, at any time lied to her or tried to bullshit her. Ever. I have too much respect for her to try even if my own integrity would allow it. The one thing I wont do even if it means I get my ass in trouble is to lie. And yes, I consider her not only a friend but a real and true once in a lifetime friend.
I can also tell you that she has not always agreed with some of my choices. She let it be known she did not agree, and gave me valid points as to why and predicted what would happen. When she was proven right - and I can say this is 10000% true - she has been right every single time. She still did not interfere after she warned me, but let me make that mistake. She did not come back and say I told you so or rub my face in it either. Not to say that she actually sympathized with what happened after she warned me, but she never came off as being the type of person who would make you feel bad for making a mistake either, that is not her way.
With that being said - LadyDarkRayne - the two of us have been friends from the day we met on here, and I have mentioned about that before. In 14 years, we have NEVER had an argument even when some people did the old he said' she said shit and things were misconstrued and I didn't speak to her for a year - but still we never had harsh words or an argument and when we did reconnect, it was like we never went a day without talking. True friends will be like that. When someone tried a little while back who was in a fb argument with her, and attacked her, I stood up and called bullshit on some of the nasty things they had to say. I called them out. I knew this same person as well, had at one point been friends with her until I asked that same admin mentioned above if something she said was true or not. And the admin told me not to believe that person it was a lie. So when that person who attacked Rachy tried to call me and convince me that Rachy was trash talking me behind my back and other things, to which I knew for a fact was a lie - I didn't believe her, and hung up and blocked that person. That person, called back and left a voicemail which I had not known was there because it was sent to blocked voicemails. She tried to play the victim and cry and asked me why I wanted to be so mean. Because I had cut her off completely. She was someone who literally crossed every single line I despised.
Years ago, I was friends with another person and we were pretty close. What caused a fallout then was irrelevant, and we didn't talk for a long while, but I missed her and the fun things and sometimes weird conversations we had, and some of the extremely funny jokes between us about pictures she found. I eventually made up with that person and pretty much had started getting that closeness back when the other shoe dropped. Suffice to say, things did not exactly end well. All I can say is that sometimes, you miss a person that you were close with that you forget about the bad shit that happened and tend to reminisce about the good things and times you had together. It doesn't always have to be with a person who you have met in person, you really can connect in a real friendship with people online. The only problem with that lies in that not everyone feels the need to tell the truth about themselves and will pretend to be someone or something they are not. Sometimes, that happens with people you have actually met in person, and when you find out that they are not what and who they said, you are left in total shock. I have had that happen a few times in the past.
My point in this entry is just about the same point that Cartomancer has made about friendships several times. When you have a person you consider as a friend, and they are real and honest friends, they will not go behind your back spreading rumors, especially for no apparent reason whether they are mad at you or not. They wont lie to you continuously or dodge calls. They most certainly do not try to drag you into drama or put your name into something you have no clue whatsoever about, give bad advice or pretend to be a friend when they really are not. And they will not bother to call you, get along with you, joke with you, and all the things friends do if they really don't like you as a person. No backstabbing, no facades.
The one thing most people who actually know me on this site can tell you without a shadow of a doubt is that I wont say shit behind a persons back that I wouldn't say to your face. I try NOT to go telling tales or spreading gossip. I have no use for it or those that do. I can tell you however is that if I know something and its an important piece of information and an admin comes to me to ask what I know, then I will tell them what I do know and if needed I will provide proof if I have it, Why? Because if an admin comes to me asking me if I know anything about something then it must be damned important and relevant enough to their duties for them to know about. In my way of thinking it is pretty damn much the same thing as a police officer coming to my house to ask about something they are investigating, and I wouldn't lie to or not give them information I had anymore than I would an administrator on this site.
Even when I am about to rant in my journal - even if I call someone out specifically, it is not to attack them or embarrass that person for no reason at all, but because I have tried my utmost best to reason with or resolve the situation and have exhausted every other avenue and got exactly nowhere. Everything I say or things I do has a damned good reason. I do not set out to deliberately hurt someone for no reason. I don't involve other people or even ask them to get involved. That isn't to say if someone asks me what happens then I wont tell them what was going on. If I have exhausted every other way, then I go to my journal and say something because I want it known to that person, hoping it will finally get through to them that I am disappointed, angry, and sometimes very hurt over their actions. I admit a long time ago I would fight with people in journals, and it was quite a bit. I'm not a saint, I am human and make mistakes. Its having the guts to admit to those mistakes and correct them that shows that someone has not only matured but has grown as a person. Half the things that has gone on lately since I have been back I have maybe wrote a journal about once and said my piece, and then I have kept silent about from there on, even when there were many other journal entries flying about. I like to think that I have gained some wisdom in the past 14 years on this site. I know I am not perfect and I do not expect anyone else to be either. I do expect them to be as real with me as I am with them and as long as they are honest with me, and treat me with the same respect they expect to receive, I try to get along with everyone. Even if some of the things they say to me directly, or things they post in their journals seems bat shit crazy and trust me I have seen some very questionable journal entries that members have made. But still, I try not to judge because I have always been taught not only that there is only one being that has that right and that is the Highest Power - but not to judge anyone unless you have walked a mile or two in their shoes. There has been a few times when I was ready to call it quits and cut off ties with some, but I was convinced to hear that person out. I may not forgive or forget, I may not ever trust them again, rebuild friendships with them or even allow them close to me if I do, and sometimes, I have went back and let bridges be mended. Often it was only a misunderstanding, but more often than not it was drama of that persons making. Those that show no remorse whatsoever in their wrong doings never get another chance. If a person is truly apologetic in their actions, I usually forgive and move on if nothing else. To me, it is the ones who leave me in confusion and not knowing WHY they did the things they did.
At this point I am getting tired, and have no clue if I have even made any sense in this journal, or if I have completely made the point I was trying to make. I don't even know if I have given people insight on how I think, for that matter. I have tried to give people some understanding on how I am and why I react the way I do at times. I think I was pretty much trying to say that I am not an unreasonable person at all. I expect honesty above all when dealing with people. I realize I wont always get it, but if I am going to form a friendship with someone that will last as many years as it has with LadyDarkRayne and Cartomancer, then it is best to be as straight and honest as you can be. How can someone be your friend if you cannot trust anything they say or do? If their actions towards you do not match their words, how can you truly be friends?
One thing I forgot to add and had to come back to say, is that I also don't like that whole frenemy thing. I wont be your friend and then have a fight with you the next minute and we are back to being friends week after week, I may fight with you once and well make up but if it happens more than once - that is it. No more forgiveness or attempting to be friends. That is NOT to say that I will not try to be civil and play nice. It is not to say that if you message me with a question about something I may know or have knowledge of or at least know someone who would have the answers that you seek, that I will not answer you. It does not mean that there is a reason to be nasty towards you. After I say my peace or piece however you choose to word it, that I am going to keep going unless I am pushed too far. I normally let it go after I have said what I have had to say. Then I move on. I try not to keep harping on shit over and over. It also doesn't mean that I won't try to help you either if you have a real problem and need someone to talk to. Like I said in a previous entry if you need someone to listen or talk to even if you are a person I don't get along with, you can still message me. I don't want to ignore someone and then something bad happen when I could have helped if they had came to me. That would make me feel really really bad and I don't think I could live with that on my conscience. But I am not going to do that whole two faced shit either. I can compromise. As long as others are also willing to do the same.
COMMENTS
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DsHusband
18:58 Sep 28 2019
Hell Yeah!!!
Cartomancer
19:11 Sep 28 2019
👍
HellOnHeelz
21:08 Sep 28 2019
Awesome!
LadyDarkRayne
03:47 Oct 01 2019
Oh yes we are going to have a grand time - Taking her to some of the most beautiful places in NY. And she gets to meet TyTy because both the boys are going with us :)
FeverDreams
12:58 Oct 03 2019
Im sooooo jealous!!!! :D